This is the way the world ends...

In the first two decades of my life, I remember dozens of visits to the farm my paternal grandparents owned in Wheatland, Mo. The old farmhouse was relegated to storage space by the time I was old enough to remember anything, while the old folks lived in an adjacent trailer — the space just in front of the ramp for my grandmother's wheelchair was home plate for many a game of baseball, kickball and softball; the well was first base, the big tire-turned-sandbox was third.
While they had a television set and rabbit-ear antenna, this was my conception of the country. The dirt road wound for a few miles before pavement, and the paved road took even further before you got to the closest town.
We never ate anything like Hardee's Country Breakfast Burrito while there.


Here's the stats: 920 calories, 60 grams of fat (just five short of the suggested daily intake) and hours of digestional regret. As you can see, the question we should ask is, "What ISN'T in the Country Breakfast Burrito?" But I'll answer to what is in it: "Two egg omelets filled with bacon, sausage, diced ham, cheddar cheese, hash browns and sausage gravy, all wrapped inside a flour tortilla," according to AP reports.

Now I'm not saying I've never eaten all of those items at the same meal before — I'm sure there's at least one buffet in Vegas where I decided I wanted to gorge until I had enough potential energy to last me through the whole day.

I am committed to seeking out the closest Carl's Jr. tomorrow (Thursday, Oct. 18) and subjecting myself, a la Morgan Spurlock, to the horror that is the Country Breakfast Burrito. I anticipate eating nothing but this, water and a salad throughout the entire day.

Wish me luck. If I die, I bequeath all the fame this blog has brought me to Joe Estevez, who is supremely underrated.

UPDATE: I have been unable to find a Carl's Jr. serving the Country Breakfast Burrito. Keep watching this space for further news.